Perfect Moment Monday is about noticing a perfect moment rather than creating one. Perfect moments can be momentous or ordinary or somewhere in between.

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It’s been a week of perfect moments squished together. And imperfect moments squished together. Travel will do that to you. A long-anticipated conference will do that to you.

Intensity has been the theme during this, my New York City/BlogHer week. Either one by itself is major. Both together were almost more than I could process.

Of all the moments I could share with you, all the fabulous people I could tell you about, all the connections I’ve enjoyed, this is the one moment I am plucking.

I was greeted at the BlogHer conference registration table by this sign. Read the list.

(Click for BlogHer article, or click image to embiggen.)

Advance copies of this magazine were stacked at the registration desk:

(Click to read, or click image to embiggen.)

Omigosh omigosh omigosh! I know I’m supposed to act like I’ve been in the endzone before, but I have to admit I squeed all over the place.  Only Sheri and Mel witnessed my reaction, and they will both forgive me for acting like a puppy with two tails.

Part of the squee is that I’m in the company of other writers such as my fellow Colorado mom Julie Marsh (The MomSlant), my fellow open adoption mom Dawn Friedman (This Woman’s Work) and my fellow infertility mom Eve Kuckuck (Impersonating Normal). Rounding out the list are Vicki Forman (Speak Softly), Ronnie Tyler (Black and Married with Kids), Polly Paganhart (Lesbian Dad), Liz Dwyer (Losangelista), Linda Sharps (All & Sundry), and Christy Everett (Following Elias).

Check them out –really, you must. Parenting says so.

Even though I’m overwhelmed but it all, I am feeling mighty fine. Perfectly fine.

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Today kicks off the second Open Adoption Examiner Book Tour. Six months ago we explored the adoptee perspective with The Primal Wound; now we examine the first parent view with James L. Gritter’s 2000 book, Life Givers.

I’ll start by quoting myself from several years ago:

When we first brought Tessa home, my grandma was quite disturbed in meeting Crystal, Tessa’s firstmom.

Now, I love my Grandma, and she was an amazing woman. Almost 90 years old, she had seen space shuttles and the Internet replace horse & buggies and telegrams.

But she was stuck in an absolutely incorrect view of birth mothers. She was both grateful to Crystal for making me a mom, and contemptuous of her for “giving up her child.” Indeed, most mothers — by birth or adoption — have trouble imagining the unimaginable. Grandma couldn’t get over, “what kind of woman does this?”

Jim Gritter and my own old post reminded me that a judgmental view of first mothers did exist when the book was published (and, sadly, still does). How could I forget?

1. I forgot because I’ve been living in open adoptions for more than 9 years and do not see either of my children’s first moms the way they are seen by some members of society. Myopia has crept in.
2. I forgot because I have spent many years reading and getting to know several first parent bloggers. I see these strong and vocal women as the antithesis of the voiceless and the powerless mentioned in the book.
3. I forgot because I now realize that birth parents walk among us. They work in our workplaces and play in our play places, they live near us, they are not essentially different from us. In fact, I suspect that most of us could say about birthparenthood: there but for the grace of g*d go I.

Here are my three chosen questions, asked by others touring with me.

In the chapter on Regret (p. 140), Gritter says that many adoptees like to hear about their birthparents’ feelings of regret. What are your thoughts about birthmothers who have no regret? Do you believe they exist? And what effect does that lack of regret have on the placed child?

This effect of a lack of regret is something I am bracing myself to deal with some day. Neither of my children’s birth mothers seem to have any regret about their placement decisions. Tessa’s birth mom, Crystal, has said so expressly and repeatedly. My antennae have been up with Reed’s birth mom, Michele, but have detected no regret.

So yes, I do believe regret-free first parents exist.

How will this strike  Tessa and Reed as they grow and continue to process their adoptedness? I don’t know. I do believe it will affect them and possibly make them sad, maybe angry.

And I have faith in their resilience to work it through.

On the flip side, both my children have birth fathers who carry regret. Both wish they could go back in time and make some different choices (I am not talking about the adoption decision, but in circumstances that surrounded the adoption decision. I will not say more, and you’ll have to trust me that saying they have some regret is not the same as saying they were were forced into the adoption decisions).

Gritter gives 8 ways that LifeGivers can fit in (pp 158-159). Choose one way and tell about it in your situation.

One of the ways that a LifeGiver can fit in is to provide affirmation. Crystal has attended various graduation ceremonies, all 9 birthday parties, some athletic events, music concerts, dance recitals. Joe has, as well. Reed’s birth parents do not live in state, but I have hopes that there will be some affirming opportunities in the coming years.

Regarding the exclusive roles of parents (birthparents as life givers, adoptive parents as caregivers), Gritter says (p. 153), “Open adoption recognizes the deep sadness associated with not being able to provide a vital dimension of parenting.” How did you work through this sadness in your own triad?

I answered a similar question about how I embraced open adoption.

Regarding the sadness of not conceiving, carrying and bearing my children: I just decided that wishing things were different than they were was pointless and would only make me unhappy. So why do it? That was the logical element.

And there was the fact that I was consumed with devotion and enchantment for these babies who were placed in my arms. Such intense feelings burned away the vestiges of infertility sadness.   That was the loving element.

Finally, having an infant, and later an infant with a toddler, was exhausting! Who has time to lament??

To continue to the next stop of this book tour, please visit the main list at The Open Adoption Examiner.

Open adoption bloggers are meeting at the roundtable to ponder these questions:

Imagine your child as an adult describing their open adoption experience. What do you hope they will be able to say about you? How did you view their other parents? In what ways did you support their relationship with them?

June 1, 2031

Dear Mom,

See? I waited until I was all grown up — 28! — to get married, have sex, and start a family. In that order.

But first I became self-sufficient in my chosen career. I married only because I wanted to (and because my partner is a wonderful person), not because I needed someone to take care of me.

Anyway, now that I’m a mom, I understand a little bit more about what it took to raise me. I want to tell you that I thank you for keeping Crystal and Joe in my life. Being with them always felt good, and I’m glad you didn’t feel threatened by the bond I have with them. It means the world to me that you love them, because that freed me to love them and to love myself.

Also, I appreciate that you let me talk about adoption stuff when I wanted to, but didn’t bring it up all the time. Even though you wrote about it ALL.THE.TIME.

If the sleepovers I had with Crystal and Tyler [birth brother] or with Joe and his family were hard for you, you never showed it. I have always felt fully connected to my birth family and, of course, fully connected to you and Daddy and Reed.

It hasn’t always been easy, having two sets of parents, but you made it as easy for me as you could. I love you so much for that. And for grounding me for only a week that time I took your car without permission on my way to work at the soup kitchen.

Love always,

Tessa

June 1, 2031

Dear Mama,

I suspect that you often wondered if you were handling all this adoption stuff well. My sister’s birth parents were around in the early years and mine weren’t, and you worried if this was hurting me.

Sometimes it did.

But I never felt slighted. Crystal and Tyler and Joe and his family always included me. And then you found AJ and brought him into my life. Later, Michele resurfaced and told me my adoption story herself. It helped me to understand, even though sometimes it was hard.

Do you remember that day in the car? I told you I didn’t want to talk about my birth parents any more because it made me sad. I remember you told me that you wouldn’t bring it up again for awhile, but that if I ever wanted to talk about it with you I could. I appreciated that.

So even though it sometimes hurt, I am thankful that you sat with me during the times I was hurting. You didn’t minimize my feelings or gloss over them. And somehow I didn’t get stuck in the hurt.

It means a lot to me that you always spoke respectfully of Michele and AJ and that you provided contact with them when they were ready.

I love you, Mama. Thank you for always loving me so completely. I’ll be over on Sunday to mow your lawn.

Reed

For other open adoption bloggers’ thoughts on this, visit Production Not Reproduction.

Even though I’ve been a mom now for ten Mother’s Days, this most recent one brought a first as well as a completion.

For the tenth year in a row, Tessa’s first mom called and we wished each other Happy Mother’s Day.

For the third year in a row, Tessa’s first dad texted me Happy Mother’s Day wishes — and an invitation to dinner soon.

For the first time in awhile, Reed’s first mom sent me Mother’s Day greetings along with her appreciation for being a good mom to Reed. She is a woman of few words, so I can’t tell you how much her Facebook message means to me. Of course, I returned the Mother’s Day wishes to her.

And for the very first time on Mother’s Day, I had a text message and then a phone call from Reed’s first dad. We’ve recently established contact, and today I am mailing him a set of photos of Reed through the years. We hope to be in the same state soon so that we can meet.

Our open adoptions are now complete.

And, g*d willing, ongoing.

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